I am ugly as sin - I am incredibly good looking...

When I went through the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program I had a lot going on. One night I had a vivid dream. Here it is.

I walked into a darkened room - it contained only a bed.
I was terrified.
As I walked to the bed I noticed a flex, or electrical cord, lying on the floor.

It became alive and wrapped itself around me.
I have never been any more frightened.

I fell on the bed; the more I struggled the tighter it got.

Somehow I relaxed and it fell away.

The light came on in the room and I said "You can come out now."
Nothing happened.

I said, "It's OK, you can come out, now."

I walked to a door and opened it.
It was a cupboard - inside was a chubby cheeked boy with a dirty face.

I said "How did you get in here? Who put you in here?"

He got really angry and started to hit and kick the walls.
I got really disturbed, the door slammed shut and I found myself back in the room with the bed.
A bright light was still on and the room held no fear for me.

I walked back and opened the door.
Realizing my mistake I said "where do you want to go?"

He said "outside."

I was about to say "I'll show you the way."
Realizing that was an error, instead I said, "if you like I can walk with you."

I put my hand out and he put his hand in mine.

We turned away from the cupboard and we walked up the hallway towards the front door of my mother's house - through the glass surrounding the door, there came a brilliant white light.

We walked hand in hand towards the door - which opened.
We stepped out into the light.

I don't know what this dream meant.
I am at peace with it.
Like the boy in the cupboard, I don't need to know how he, or I, got there.

Just that he, and I, are free.

He's out there somewhere flying around - he'll land and get on with it some day - if it happens.

How I look really means nothing - it's how I am inside.

Dare to Win

Forward to where?

I am reading the book "Dare to Win" by Mark Victor Hansen.

In it he says have goals; surround myself with positive people; have a go!

That is where I choose to go!

New Beginning - Court Case Dies - where to?

Been a long while since I have been here.

I have done the Landmark Education Self Expression and Leadership Program (Selp).

I had an appointment with a court appointed psychologist and he told me that
A) My son doesn't want me to have custody of him
B) He didn't want to tell me himself in case I got angry
C) He wanted the psychologist to not hurt my feelings

Result, I got angry, hurt and despondent.

Then he interviewed my ex-wife and said that the reason she doesn't get the kids to do their homework; doesn't get Nick to do his training and exercises; doesn't organize any interventions; is that I push them too much and she compensates by making no demands of them.

I shouted "That's a fucking disgrace saying something like that!"

This, of course, didn't go down at all well with the Psych.

He then went onto say that she said that "Hugh thinks they should be good at everything so he pushes them - they wont be good at everything."

I said, in my usual relaxed style, "That's a fucking disgrace as well, and she should be absolutely ashamed of herself for even saying it."

He said, with a quizzical look on his face "that was a very strong reaction."

Indeed it was.

For 9 years I have had Nick diagnosed; organized interventions; co-ordinated his professionals; with scarcely any help from his mother. Certainly no follow up as regards the exercises he has been asked to do.

As a result of my explosions, and most importantly Nick's feed back, I have had to pull out of the court case.

I went through this scenario with my coach on the Selp - Clare - and she said to open a dialogue with Nick's mother. Tell her how I felt powerless and beaten.

Only took three hours for her to convince me it was a good idea...

Anyhow, that's where I am now.

I have been in the Mother's home a few times and discussed the care of the young lad. I need to just let it go and do whatever I am allowed to do.

It has been, and is, a struggle.

I go forward - exactly to where I am not certain.

Ongoing Court Case

Just now I had a telephone hook-up regarding custody of my youngest son.

The judge read out parts of the psychologist's assessment and that the children - the youngest in particular - don't want change.

She asked if I wanted to continue the matter.

It is hopeless. It will not succeed.

But the answer was yes - I will continue the case.

He is not doing his homework. He is failing maths - supposedly an Aspergers best subject.

He is disorganized - aspie.

I have to give it a go for his sake.

It will take at least another 6 months.

Almost too late.

We'll see. I owe his future at least that.

Landmark Advanced Course and Assisting Program

I have been coached by my seminar series leader and by some of the people in the centre.

I am a little further along the journey, but not where I would like to be.

The possibility of doing the Advanced Course again was raised. It is fairer if I assist on the advanced course - so I put in a little, and they put in a little.

One thing that was said during the coaching is I became, at some point, an identity, rather than being in touch with and present to the whole.

I believe that is true.

I will let go and experience the course as I assist others.

I will still be the essence of me - worry not!!